Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009, Paramount/Dreamworks/Hasbro/Di Bonaventura)
Review
I was waiting to go see this in the IMAX to post the review but I never got around to it so whatever. Anyways!
Let's see...Shia LeBeouf, Megan Fox, Giant robots all wrapped up in a tight package by Michael Bay. What could go wrong???
Nothing! That's what. As long as you don't care about story or acting that is. This movie might be chocked full of the best visual effects the silver screen has ever seen. I cannot stress this enough...they are really really really really awesome.
So, it turns out there is this evil Transformer dude called The Fallen who has been around for almost 20,000 years and wants to destroy the sun to harvest its delicious energon. He needs something called the Matrix of Leadership to do this. The Autobots want to stop him. Duh. Six hundred explosions later, close curtain, THE END.
The shot when Megan Fox is first shown is um...it's uhhhh...a work of cinematographical genius. She is shamelessly draped over a motorcycle wearing a pair of shorts that cover about 40% of her ass--in her father's mechanic shop no less! The camera is pointed directly up these shorts so you can practically see her clit hanging out.
My biggest problem was with the gold tooth robots. Not only are they incredibly annoying, they seem to based on blacksploitation sitcoms of the '70s. They do have pretty big roles in the film but they are occasionally funny. Transformers would have been better without them IMO.
Final thought: If you want to see giant robots doing epic battle and destoying everything in their path, go check this baby out. Better yet, go see it in an IMAX. I know I still intend to do so. If not, go rent 13 Going On 30 and then shoot yourself in the groin.
[transforming sound],
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Terminator Salvation
Terminator Salvation (2009, Warner Brothers/Halcyon)
Review
As you might expect, this film features John Connor (Christian Bale) and his mates fighting a slew of huge robots. As you might expect, there is no shortage of explosions and gunfire. As you might expect, there are a few plots twists to keep things interesting...crafty old Skynet, ya know. In these areas, it does not disappoint.
Here's some stuff you may not know: John Connor is married to the same chick, presumably, named Kate that he is courting in Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. But now she is knocked up and played by Bryce Dallas Howard instead of Clair Danes. Also, someone special who is in all three of the previous movies has his face digitally glued onto someone else's body. The composite person makes a cameo as one of the terminators. I bet you can't guess who it is! Moving along...
The plot revolves around Skynet's plan to create the cyborgs that we all know and love (you know, the ones that look just like Austrian bodybuilders and are designed to infiltrate and exterminate those pesky humans) and the resistance's attempts to stop them. The prototype living tissue over metal endoskeleton unit, Marcus Wright (Sam Worthington) plays a key role throughout the movie. He is unique as he possesses human thought, emotion, awareness--not to mention brain and heart...The twisted brain and cold heart of a murderer put to death in 2003 to be exact! But, the guy was nice enough to donate his body to science, leaving it in the care of the good folks down at Cyberdyne Systems. His desire is to find out what he is and help the resistance because he thinks he is human. Yes, that brain became straight as an arrow and that heart warm as freshly baked apple pie...ah the wonders of plopping organs into a terminator.
One thing I couldn't make sense of is how John Connor manages to have an intact ribcage and spinal column after being punch in the chest by terminators like 900 times. Also, Skynet had ample opportunities, in my opinion, to kill a couple key figures in the Terminator saga, namely Connor himself and Kyle Reese, and it just dropped the ball. Director McG should have thought of a way to have the heroes survive without giving Skynet about as much foresight as Dr. Evil. Lets not kill Kyle Reese now, lets wait to call in the terminators with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads...
Bale is in his normal, overly-breathy character. This is not nearly as bad as either of the Batman movies though, in which he constantly sounded like he swallowed a hair dryer. Worthington is great as Wright/cyborg Wright. Common, Moon Bloodgood, and Anton Yelchin all play resistance members. Yelchin's character has a bit of a funny moment when he is about to serve up a standard post-apocalyptic dinner of two-day-old coyote that, as he points out, is "better than three-day-old coyote."
The visual effects are nice and shiny, very well done--but not perfect. The only thing I really noticed is when Worthington's character is missing part of his face, the mechanisms under the skin look kind of flat. Everything else is spanktastic.
If you are looking for "an action thrill ride" and all the other cliché things that other critics will be saying about this movie, you shall receive. And, while Salvation is a pretty good movie, as a fan of the Terminator franchise, I guess I expected a little more.
I'll be back,
Review
As you might expect, this film features John Connor (Christian Bale) and his mates fighting a slew of huge robots. As you might expect, there is no shortage of explosions and gunfire. As you might expect, there are a few plots twists to keep things interesting...crafty old Skynet, ya know. In these areas, it does not disappoint.
Here's some stuff you may not know: John Connor is married to the same chick, presumably, named Kate that he is courting in Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. But now she is knocked up and played by Bryce Dallas Howard instead of Clair Danes. Also, someone special who is in all three of the previous movies has his face digitally glued onto someone else's body. The composite person makes a cameo as one of the terminators. I bet you can't guess who it is! Moving along...
The plot revolves around Skynet's plan to create the cyborgs that we all know and love (you know, the ones that look just like Austrian bodybuilders and are designed to infiltrate and exterminate those pesky humans) and the resistance's attempts to stop them. The prototype living tissue over metal endoskeleton unit, Marcus Wright (Sam Worthington) plays a key role throughout the movie. He is unique as he possesses human thought, emotion, awareness--not to mention brain and heart...The twisted brain and cold heart of a murderer put to death in 2003 to be exact! But, the guy was nice enough to donate his body to science, leaving it in the care of the good folks down at Cyberdyne Systems. His desire is to find out what he is and help the resistance because he thinks he is human. Yes, that brain became straight as an arrow and that heart warm as freshly baked apple pie...ah the wonders of plopping organs into a terminator.
One thing I couldn't make sense of is how John Connor manages to have an intact ribcage and spinal column after being punch in the chest by terminators like 900 times. Also, Skynet had ample opportunities, in my opinion, to kill a couple key figures in the Terminator saga, namely Connor himself and Kyle Reese, and it just dropped the ball. Director McG should have thought of a way to have the heroes survive without giving Skynet about as much foresight as Dr. Evil. Lets not kill Kyle Reese now, lets wait to call in the terminators with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads...
Bale is in his normal, overly-breathy character. This is not nearly as bad as either of the Batman movies though, in which he constantly sounded like he swallowed a hair dryer. Worthington is great as Wright/cyborg Wright. Common, Moon Bloodgood, and Anton Yelchin all play resistance members. Yelchin's character has a bit of a funny moment when he is about to serve up a standard post-apocalyptic dinner of two-day-old coyote that, as he points out, is "better than three-day-old coyote."
The visual effects are nice and shiny, very well done--but not perfect. The only thing I really noticed is when Worthington's character is missing part of his face, the mechanisms under the skin look kind of flat. Everything else is spanktastic.
If you are looking for "an action thrill ride" and all the other cliché things that other critics will be saying about this movie, you shall receive. And, while Salvation is a pretty good movie, as a fan of the Terminator franchise, I guess I expected a little more.
I'll be back,
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Star Trek
Star Trek (2009, Paramount/Spyglass/Bad Robot)
Review
It's no secret that Star Trek is one of the most successful franchises in the history of entertainment: one that spans television, film, various forms of print media, toys, collectibles, conventions, video games, and The FSM knows what else. Any fan can take enjoyment and participate in the countless websites of all kinds built out of a staggering amount of content strewed all across the Internet. Socially well-adjusted people and basement-dwelling geeks (who see the light of day only in the direst of emergencies) have adored Star Trek in its various forms for decades. The release of this film will undoubtedly qualify as one such emergency. Believe it.
Star Trek is not good: it is fucking fantastic. This eleventh feature film in the series has something for everyone but my guess is that you will like the whole thing. The movie is epic, suspenseful, thought provoking, and funny. The characters are witty, innovative, cool under pressure, and true to their counterparts from the original series--one could argue that Spock (Zachary Quinto) isn't at times but it does not weigh down the film whatsoever.
Kirk (Chris Pine) is good ol' Kirk. Confident, resolute, and charmingly cocky as he meets up with his crew; Spock, Bones (Karl Urban), Uhura (Zoe Saldana), Sulu (John Cho), Chekov (Anton Yelchin) all pretty early in the film and Scotty (Simon Pegg) a bit later. Pine does a fine job of exhibiting these attributes of Kirk's persona as the story takes us from his childhood to his rise through Star Fleet Academy. Plus, he's plowing a hot green chick (implied only, no actual plowing), it doesn't get any better than that!
We also get a nice bit of back story on Spock, who seems to possess more emotion than the Nimoy Spock with whom we should all be familiar. This is not a bad thing as the events, some cataclysmic, related to him more than justify this in my opinion. Quinto puts forth a decent portrayal of the beloved half-vulcan/half-human officer. If you prefer classic Leonard Nimoy, you are in luck because, thanks to some time travel, he has a pretty sizable role as really old Spock from the future. And, yes, as anyone who is familiar with the Star Trek universe knows, you can just throw time travel into an episode or motion picture without causing any problems. But that's not what the filmmakers did, they used it to their advantage, very well in fact. More on this later.
The nods to the original are not imposing. They are just plentiful enough and are done to seeming perfection. I don't even want to spoil the old chestnuts that are dusted off in the dialogue of this great prequel. I can tell you that these moments were met by genuinely gleeful laughter by the whole audience, trekkies and non-trekkies (ordinaries?) alike--I know because I brought one with me. This is not the only humor in Star Trek: one such example occurs when Bones must repeatedly administer injections to Kirk's neck in a scheme concocted by the good doctor to get Kirk aboard the Enterprise in spite of him being suspended from duty.
The crew must think and act quickly and selflessly in order to avoid Earth's destruction at the hands of Nero, the most disgruntled, time-traveling Romulan ever (Eric Bana). They also need to get down and dirty in some melee combat, from which this film has finally removed the cheese factor that has been present in the franchise since the '60s. Couple some good fights with some marvelous action sequences, plus everything I've already mentioned...sounds pretty good, eh?
The visual effects are way over the top. I mean this film is a whole lotta gorgeous. One scene features a creature that looks like a cross between a T-Rex and a snow crab. Not only it is scary looking with its mouth shut, but the CGI drool was so realistic, that it made me wish I was wearing a raincoat in case some gobs of stringy alien spittle came cascading through the screen. The landscapes are crisply imaginative. The digital ships are clean as hell. Nero has the coolest ride, it definitely took plenty of time and cash to program this baby. Money well spent. And it is also worth noting that the transporter animation looks way different, I am not going to say it's better than the classic sparkly speckles...but it does give you the impression that molecules are being disarranged and rearranged...and that's what a transporter does, duh!
The score isn't bad but it also doesn't stick out in my mind all that much as being excellent. If I go back and listen to the soundtrack and find that it's only average, I am not going to bust the film's balls over it. The sound effects are very cool. If you want to experience this film with megafilthy picture and sound quality, there's something you should know (you probably already do)...
This film is showing on IMAX screens (normal cinemas too, don't worry). Do yourself a favor and see it on the big big big screen if it is available in your area. C'mon you cheap bastard, it's only an extra couple bucks! I already told you that you won't be disappointed!
Finally, I have to give major big-ups to the greedy fucks at Paramount, the associated studios, director J. J. Abrams, and the screenwriters. They have successfully and brilliantly used the aforementioned time travel to change the Star Trek universe, as well as the lives of Kirk and Spock, enough that they can rewrite the whole damn series if they so desire. Everything. From the events of the original TV show to Generations and beyond into the realm of the many spin-offs. See, this movie is not really a prequel to the Star Trek fans are familiar with as much as it is a first chapter of an alternate reality where numerous sequels are possible, probable (one is already in the works), and immune to conflicts with the existing canon. Holy flaming shit on wheels, I can't wait.
Wow,
Review
It's no secret that Star Trek is one of the most successful franchises in the history of entertainment: one that spans television, film, various forms of print media, toys, collectibles, conventions, video games, and The FSM knows what else. Any fan can take enjoyment and participate in the countless websites of all kinds built out of a staggering amount of content strewed all across the Internet. Socially well-adjusted people and basement-dwelling geeks (who see the light of day only in the direst of emergencies) have adored Star Trek in its various forms for decades. The release of this film will undoubtedly qualify as one such emergency. Believe it.
Star Trek is not good: it is fucking fantastic. This eleventh feature film in the series has something for everyone but my guess is that you will like the whole thing. The movie is epic, suspenseful, thought provoking, and funny. The characters are witty, innovative, cool under pressure, and true to their counterparts from the original series--one could argue that Spock (Zachary Quinto) isn't at times but it does not weigh down the film whatsoever.
Kirk (Chris Pine) is good ol' Kirk. Confident, resolute, and charmingly cocky as he meets up with his crew; Spock, Bones (Karl Urban), Uhura (Zoe Saldana), Sulu (John Cho), Chekov (Anton Yelchin) all pretty early in the film and Scotty (Simon Pegg) a bit later. Pine does a fine job of exhibiting these attributes of Kirk's persona as the story takes us from his childhood to his rise through Star Fleet Academy. Plus, he's plowing a hot green chick (implied only, no actual plowing), it doesn't get any better than that!
We also get a nice bit of back story on Spock, who seems to possess more emotion than the Nimoy Spock with whom we should all be familiar. This is not a bad thing as the events, some cataclysmic, related to him more than justify this in my opinion. Quinto puts forth a decent portrayal of the beloved half-vulcan/half-human officer. If you prefer classic Leonard Nimoy, you are in luck because, thanks to some time travel, he has a pretty sizable role as really old Spock from the future. And, yes, as anyone who is familiar with the Star Trek universe knows, you can just throw time travel into an episode or motion picture without causing any problems. But that's not what the filmmakers did, they used it to their advantage, very well in fact. More on this later.
The nods to the original are not imposing. They are just plentiful enough and are done to seeming perfection. I don't even want to spoil the old chestnuts that are dusted off in the dialogue of this great prequel. I can tell you that these moments were met by genuinely gleeful laughter by the whole audience, trekkies and non-trekkies (ordinaries?) alike--I know because I brought one with me. This is not the only humor in Star Trek: one such example occurs when Bones must repeatedly administer injections to Kirk's neck in a scheme concocted by the good doctor to get Kirk aboard the Enterprise in spite of him being suspended from duty.
The crew must think and act quickly and selflessly in order to avoid Earth's destruction at the hands of Nero, the most disgruntled, time-traveling Romulan ever (Eric Bana). They also need to get down and dirty in some melee combat, from which this film has finally removed the cheese factor that has been present in the franchise since the '60s. Couple some good fights with some marvelous action sequences, plus everything I've already mentioned...sounds pretty good, eh?
The visual effects are way over the top. I mean this film is a whole lotta gorgeous. One scene features a creature that looks like a cross between a T-Rex and a snow crab. Not only it is scary looking with its mouth shut, but the CGI drool was so realistic, that it made me wish I was wearing a raincoat in case some gobs of stringy alien spittle came cascading through the screen. The landscapes are crisply imaginative. The digital ships are clean as hell. Nero has the coolest ride, it definitely took plenty of time and cash to program this baby. Money well spent. And it is also worth noting that the transporter animation looks way different, I am not going to say it's better than the classic sparkly speckles...but it does give you the impression that molecules are being disarranged and rearranged...and that's what a transporter does, duh!
The score isn't bad but it also doesn't stick out in my mind all that much as being excellent. If I go back and listen to the soundtrack and find that it's only average, I am not going to bust the film's balls over it. The sound effects are very cool. If you want to experience this film with megafilthy picture and sound quality, there's something you should know (you probably already do)...
This film is showing on IMAX screens (normal cinemas too, don't worry). Do yourself a favor and see it on the big big big screen if it is available in your area. C'mon you cheap bastard, it's only an extra couple bucks! I already told you that you won't be disappointed!
Finally, I have to give major big-ups to the greedy fucks at Paramount, the associated studios, director J. J. Abrams, and the screenwriters. They have successfully and brilliantly used the aforementioned time travel to change the Star Trek universe, as well as the lives of Kirk and Spock, enough that they can rewrite the whole damn series if they so desire. Everything. From the events of the original TV show to Generations and beyond into the realm of the many spin-offs. See, this movie is not really a prequel to the Star Trek fans are familiar with as much as it is a first chapter of an alternate reality where numerous sequels are possible, probable (one is already in the works), and immune to conflicts with the existing canon. Holy flaming shit on wheels, I can't wait.
Wow,
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Obsessed
Obsessed (2009, Screen Gems)
Review
Oh boy this one is a real winner. Derek (Idris Elba) and Sharon (Beyoncé Knowles) have it all--he's an executive VP at a financial firm in LA, he's freakin' loaded, he drives a Benz, he's well liked and respected among his colleagues. She's a homemaker with the perfect husband and the perfect baby boy; she's planning on going back to college and, oh yeah, she looks like Beyoncé...so she's got that going for her in case their marriage would ever sail through some dire straights on the voyage of love. The movie opens with the family moving into their new, huge home (also perfect). Yawn.
Who could possibly stick a fly in this ointment?? Cue: Lisa (Ali Larter), a temp at Derek's firm, all around hot blond chick, and the Jason Bourne of stalkers (minus the fighting ability). First, she attempts to get her freak on with Derek after pushing him into a stall in the men's room during the no-spouses-allowed office Christmas party. Then she flashes him her sexy purple bra, garter belt and granny panties in his car. Why the director (Steve Shill) decided to put underwear bottoms comprised of about 14 square yards of fabric on Ali, the world may never know. She quits the firm and shows up at a resort where Derek and his coworkers are on a business getaway. First night, she drugs him and, presumably, sexually molests him...I don't know. The second night, she ODs on scrips intentionally...in the dude's hotel room...naked.
This is where Beyoncé finds out about the whole thing and, even though her hubby has done nothing wrong, she goes completely apeshit. This is also where she becomes intolerably annoying. One would think that if someone supposedly tried to kill herself in your spouse's bed, you would at least let him get a word in before kicking him out of the house, but no, she does not. I realize it looks bad, but at least let the man make some shit up for christsake!
This thriller was actually kind of fun until the proverbial shit hits the fan as described above. Knowles' character's reaction was so short-sighted that I started rooting for the psychopath, which was not the director's intention, it's fairly safe to say. Her kicking out of Derek also forces the viewer to suffer through a montage of him showing up at the house, picking up the kid, dropping off the kid, getting door slammed in face. Luckily, I had already finished my popcorn by this point in the movie, leaving me with a montage discomfort bag, should I have needed one.
Sharon is pretty much a searing bitch, but Beyoncé does a pretty good job of making it believable. Larter is suuuuuper creepy as the most interesting character in this film. Actually, most of the acting in the film is really, really good. Even Jerry O'Connell turns in a good performance as Elba's character's close friend and somewhat douchey business associate.
When I first saw a preview for this movie months ago, I thought it looked like it would have been worth the cost of admission. But that was when its trailer was sporting the tag "This film is not yet rated." When I found out that it had been made within the constraints of being PG-13, I completely lost interest. That is the main drawback of this one (yeah yeah, ok, the extraordinarily predictable plot is up there too) and with a proper R rating, there would have been some more wiggle room for the actors, director, and production staff to work. No, not just for the nudity that could have been, but for more realistic dialogue also--but what do I know? Most people probably aren't as vulgar as I am. I do know that there were four other people in the cinema with me and that all of us laughed at the movie a few times. Obsessed is not a comedy.
On a positive note, this movie does afford us the mother of all cat fights that sees Ali Larter plummeting two stories through our hero and heroine's dream home and crashing gently through a glass tabletop only to slasherfilmesquely pop her eyes open one last time before being squashed by a 400-pound chandelier.
I only went to see Obsessed because some dickface felt the need to threaten suicide atop a bridge on I-696, the main East-West freeway in suburban Detroit, closing the expressway for some eight hours and causing massive traffic back ups anywhere near it. (Unfortunately, I just read that the guy surrendered to police and did not carry out his lifelong ambition of splattering all over an interstate.) Anyway! I thought this movie would be better than sitting in a traffic jam for an hour and a half or more and I was right.
Be seein' ya,
Review
Oh boy this one is a real winner. Derek (Idris Elba) and Sharon (Beyoncé Knowles) have it all--he's an executive VP at a financial firm in LA, he's freakin' loaded, he drives a Benz, he's well liked and respected among his colleagues. She's a homemaker with the perfect husband and the perfect baby boy; she's planning on going back to college and, oh yeah, she looks like Beyoncé...so she's got that going for her in case their marriage would ever sail through some dire straights on the voyage of love. The movie opens with the family moving into their new, huge home (also perfect). Yawn.
Who could possibly stick a fly in this ointment?? Cue: Lisa (Ali Larter), a temp at Derek's firm, all around hot blond chick, and the Jason Bourne of stalkers (minus the fighting ability). First, she attempts to get her freak on with Derek after pushing him into a stall in the men's room during the no-spouses-allowed office Christmas party. Then she flashes him her sexy purple bra, garter belt and granny panties in his car. Why the director (Steve Shill) decided to put underwear bottoms comprised of about 14 square yards of fabric on Ali, the world may never know. She quits the firm and shows up at a resort where Derek and his coworkers are on a business getaway. First night, she drugs him and, presumably, sexually molests him...I don't know. The second night, she ODs on scrips intentionally...in the dude's hotel room...naked.
This is where Beyoncé finds out about the whole thing and, even though her hubby has done nothing wrong, she goes completely apeshit. This is also where she becomes intolerably annoying. One would think that if someone supposedly tried to kill herself in your spouse's bed, you would at least let him get a word in before kicking him out of the house, but no, she does not. I realize it looks bad, but at least let the man make some shit up for christsake!
This thriller was actually kind of fun until the proverbial shit hits the fan as described above. Knowles' character's reaction was so short-sighted that I started rooting for the psychopath, which was not the director's intention, it's fairly safe to say. Her kicking out of Derek also forces the viewer to suffer through a montage of him showing up at the house, picking up the kid, dropping off the kid, getting door slammed in face. Luckily, I had already finished my popcorn by this point in the movie, leaving me with a montage discomfort bag, should I have needed one.
Sharon is pretty much a searing bitch, but Beyoncé does a pretty good job of making it believable. Larter is suuuuuper creepy as the most interesting character in this film. Actually, most of the acting in the film is really, really good. Even Jerry O'Connell turns in a good performance as Elba's character's close friend and somewhat douchey business associate.
When I first saw a preview for this movie months ago, I thought it looked like it would have been worth the cost of admission. But that was when its trailer was sporting the tag "This film is not yet rated." When I found out that it had been made within the constraints of being PG-13, I completely lost interest. That is the main drawback of this one (yeah yeah, ok, the extraordinarily predictable plot is up there too) and with a proper R rating, there would have been some more wiggle room for the actors, director, and production staff to work. No, not just for the nudity that could have been, but for more realistic dialogue also--but what do I know? Most people probably aren't as vulgar as I am. I do know that there were four other people in the cinema with me and that all of us laughed at the movie a few times. Obsessed is not a comedy.
On a positive note, this movie does afford us the mother of all cat fights that sees Ali Larter plummeting two stories through our hero and heroine's dream home and crashing gently through a glass tabletop only to slasherfilmesquely pop her eyes open one last time before being squashed by a 400-pound chandelier.
I only went to see Obsessed because some dickface felt the need to threaten suicide atop a bridge on I-696, the main East-West freeway in suburban Detroit, closing the expressway for some eight hours and causing massive traffic back ups anywhere near it. (Unfortunately, I just read that the guy surrendered to police and did not carry out his lifelong ambition of splattering all over an interstate.) Anyway! I thought this movie would be better than sitting in a traffic jam for an hour and a half or more and I was right.
Be seein' ya,
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
X-Men Origins: Wolverine
X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009, 20th Century Fox)
Review
In spite of the infamous leaked workprint, X-Men Origins: Wolverine has already out-grossed its hefty $150 million budget four days after its theatrical release. The question is: Why?
[Disclaimer: I have not seen nor do I have a copy of the workprint. I do not know anyone who has seen or has a copy of the workprint. Film piracy is illegal. Do not ask me how to obtain a copy of the workprint.]
That being said, I did see a few moments of the leaked version on a stranger's laptop while I was out of town, 2000 miles from my state of residence. And let me tell you, if you really, really liked the unfinished, pirated version; you should go see this film in the theatre just for the scene where Cyclops slices his school in half with his eye beams. The workprint features a thin red line that doesn't appear to even damage anything. In the theatrical release (which is the only thing I will be talking about for the remainder of this review) it looks some kind of sweet nasty.
Okay, so, what else was good about this film...? The relationship between Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) and his half-brother, Sabertooth (Liev Schreiber)--although I don't recall him ever being referred to as anything except Victor in the film--is intriguing. They share a respect for the other's abilities and a desire to kill one another. Classic. Some of the dialogue between Wolverine and the more minor characters is well-written and down-right good ol' fashioned fun. Yeah, and some of the fights are more than just plain bitchin': they are turbo-bitchin'.
On to all the many problems with this latest superhero action blockbuster. Lets begin in an unexpected place...special effects. Wait, WHAAAT??? Yep. Of course, most of the movie looks amazing. (When I use my imagination, I can't picture a crazy, hairy mutant dude ripping up a military vehicle with giant metal claws looking any better than the way it looked in Wolverine.) Unfortunately, there are times when the CGI looks shotty. The most noticeable of these occurs when our hero is admiring his new adamantium claws in a farmer's bathroom. They just look uber-fake, there's no better way to describe it. By the way, he does thrash the unsuspecting bathroom into porcelain shards, completely by accident, in case you were wondering.
Wolverine, AKA Logan, had been invited in for some supper and free clothes (he was streaking by this nice old man's barn after his adamantium infusion procedure left him with his pants down) when the above incident occurred. What repercussions does Logan suffer for trashing a perfectly good john? A free night's stay in the barn, the farmer's son's leather jacket, and even breakfast-in-barn courtesy of the charming woman of the house. I, personally, would have thrown the asshole out. But that's just me.
There are a whole bunch of random-ass mutants in this movie that marvel buffs may or may not get a kick out of. Gambit should have been in it more than he was, and he definitely should have killed tons of people with flying pink-glowing playing cards. Oh well, maybe he will show up some more in future sequels and/or prequels to the X-Men franchise.
This movie has it moments but sometimes it's cheesy in an unhealthy sort of way--like, you feel like you might get swine flu from it. I can't give it a thumbs down and I certainly can't give it a thumbs up--not that I would anyway, 'cause I don't want Ebert to come o'er to my house and bite me for stealing his movie quality gauge. So, X-Men Origins: Wolverine is not good, not bad, but it is certainly very blah and bona fide meh.
Need to make some time to get back in the theatre,
Review
In spite of the infamous leaked workprint, X-Men Origins: Wolverine has already out-grossed its hefty $150 million budget four days after its theatrical release. The question is: Why?
[Disclaimer: I have not seen nor do I have a copy of the workprint. I do not know anyone who has seen or has a copy of the workprint. Film piracy is illegal. Do not ask me how to obtain a copy of the workprint.]
That being said, I did see a few moments of the leaked version on a stranger's laptop while I was out of town, 2000 miles from my state of residence. And let me tell you, if you really, really liked the unfinished, pirated version; you should go see this film in the theatre just for the scene where Cyclops slices his school in half with his eye beams. The workprint features a thin red line that doesn't appear to even damage anything. In the theatrical release (which is the only thing I will be talking about for the remainder of this review) it looks some kind of sweet nasty.
Okay, so, what else was good about this film...? The relationship between Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) and his half-brother, Sabertooth (Liev Schreiber)--although I don't recall him ever being referred to as anything except Victor in the film--is intriguing. They share a respect for the other's abilities and a desire to kill one another. Classic. Some of the dialogue between Wolverine and the more minor characters is well-written and down-right good ol' fashioned fun. Yeah, and some of the fights are more than just plain bitchin': they are turbo-bitchin'.
On to all the many problems with this latest superhero action blockbuster. Lets begin in an unexpected place...special effects. Wait, WHAAAT??? Yep. Of course, most of the movie looks amazing. (When I use my imagination, I can't picture a crazy, hairy mutant dude ripping up a military vehicle with giant metal claws looking any better than the way it looked in Wolverine.) Unfortunately, there are times when the CGI looks shotty. The most noticeable of these occurs when our hero is admiring his new adamantium claws in a farmer's bathroom. They just look uber-fake, there's no better way to describe it. By the way, he does thrash the unsuspecting bathroom into porcelain shards, completely by accident, in case you were wondering.
Wolverine, AKA Logan, had been invited in for some supper and free clothes (he was streaking by this nice old man's barn after his adamantium infusion procedure left him with his pants down) when the above incident occurred. What repercussions does Logan suffer for trashing a perfectly good john? A free night's stay in the barn, the farmer's son's leather jacket, and even breakfast-in-barn courtesy of the charming woman of the house. I, personally, would have thrown the asshole out. But that's just me.
There are a whole bunch of random-ass mutants in this movie that marvel buffs may or may not get a kick out of. Gambit should have been in it more than he was, and he definitely should have killed tons of people with flying pink-glowing playing cards. Oh well, maybe he will show up some more in future sequels and/or prequels to the X-Men franchise.
This movie has it moments but sometimes it's cheesy in an unhealthy sort of way--like, you feel like you might get swine flu from it. I can't give it a thumbs down and I certainly can't give it a thumbs up--not that I would anyway, 'cause I don't want Ebert to come o'er to my house and bite me for stealing his movie quality gauge. So, X-Men Origins: Wolverine is not good, not bad, but it is certainly very blah and bona fide meh.
Need to make some time to get back in the theatre,
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Watchmen
Watchmen (2009, Legendary Pictures/DC Comics)
Review
Lets start off with a quick plot synopsis, shall we? This movie is about a Gigantic Blue Penis with super powers, played by a digitally enhanced Billy Crudup. The Enormous Trouser Snake acquires its powers when It and the man attached to It are zapped in a molecule rearranging chamber, or whatever. The Whopping One-Eyed Monster, the naked man attached to it, and a band of misfit, masked superheros (all clothed except for Laurie Jupiter, played by Malin Åkerman, at times) form a group called the Watchmen. The viewer learns all and more this through numerous and exhaustive flashbacks to all, and I mean all, of the characters' pasts. In one such episode, the Gargantuan Pork Sword opens a can of whoopass in the Vietnam War, ensuring an American victory and 5 terms as President of the United States for Richard Nixon.
The other, far less powerful, Watchmen gain their powers hereditarily through superhero breeding, or whatever. Their powers mainly consist of superhuman strength and the ability to beat people up. The main plot line takes place in 1985, where someone wants to blow up millions of people using the power of the Towering Blue Meat Musket...or something like that.
Seeing as this movie is far too long to get any sort of adequate plot setup down, lets just move onto the review. The action sequences are fun, fast-paced and brutal. I'm talking about compound fractures and a dude who unwillingly takes a shower in fryer oil, ouch. There's lots and lots of character development via the aforementioned flashbacks. These serve a dual purpose: gives all of us Watchmen n00bs a clue while providing the fanboy virgins, who love the franchise, some extra content to admire in repeated IMAX viewings. These scenes happen so frequently, one could say, that they are trying to shove the character development down your throat. But you know what they try to shove down your throat more than that? The main focus of the film...
Yup. You guess it. It's onscreen constantly. It's impossible to ignore, impossible to miss. I am not kidding. At first, you are just kinda like, "okay...Massive, Blue Man Meat...hmmmm...that was weird, but w/e, lmao." But after a while, there comes a time when you are thinking to yourself, "there is nooooo way they are gonna show that Thang again, for it will turn whatever they were trying to do with this movie into a huge joke." Then they show the Monumental Pump-action Custard Chucker 723 more times. How this Colossal Blue-Veined Yogurt Slinger kept escaping the cutting room floor is inconceivable. See, they were really, really trying hard to make this film into a commentary on the savagery of human nature. Even if the filmmakers had given Watchmen a plot that didn't induce five confusing yawns a minute, even if they made the uber-bummer cataclysm make one fucking shred of sense, even if they had thought this thing out start-to-finish, even if they had made the best movie ever in the history of ever, it would all go for naught. Because there is a Big, Hulking, Blue, Crotch Mongoose in your face during 80% of the fucking movie!
If you found any of this vulgar, you might want to not see Watchmen - AKA Uncle Throbby and the Unmasked Members (UK alternate title).
More to come...
Review
Lets start off with a quick plot synopsis, shall we? This movie is about a Gigantic Blue Penis with super powers, played by a digitally enhanced Billy Crudup. The Enormous Trouser Snake acquires its powers when It and the man attached to It are zapped in a molecule rearranging chamber, or whatever. The Whopping One-Eyed Monster, the naked man attached to it, and a band of misfit, masked superheros (all clothed except for Laurie Jupiter, played by Malin Åkerman, at times) form a group called the Watchmen. The viewer learns all and more this through numerous and exhaustive flashbacks to all, and I mean all, of the characters' pasts. In one such episode, the Gargantuan Pork Sword opens a can of whoopass in the Vietnam War, ensuring an American victory and 5 terms as President of the United States for Richard Nixon.
The other, far less powerful, Watchmen gain their powers hereditarily through superhero breeding, or whatever. Their powers mainly consist of superhuman strength and the ability to beat people up. The main plot line takes place in 1985, where someone wants to blow up millions of people using the power of the Towering Blue Meat Musket...or something like that.
Seeing as this movie is far too long to get any sort of adequate plot setup down, lets just move onto the review. The action sequences are fun, fast-paced and brutal. I'm talking about compound fractures and a dude who unwillingly takes a shower in fryer oil, ouch. There's lots and lots of character development via the aforementioned flashbacks. These serve a dual purpose: gives all of us Watchmen n00bs a clue while providing the fanboy virgins, who love the franchise, some extra content to admire in repeated IMAX viewings. These scenes happen so frequently, one could say, that they are trying to shove the character development down your throat. But you know what they try to shove down your throat more than that? The main focus of the film...
Yup. You guess it. It's onscreen constantly. It's impossible to ignore, impossible to miss. I am not kidding. At first, you are just kinda like, "okay...Massive, Blue Man Meat...hmmmm...that was weird, but w/e, lmao." But after a while, there comes a time when you are thinking to yourself, "there is nooooo way they are gonna show that Thang again, for it will turn whatever they were trying to do with this movie into a huge joke." Then they show the Monumental Pump-action Custard Chucker 723 more times. How this Colossal Blue-Veined Yogurt Slinger kept escaping the cutting room floor is inconceivable. See, they were really, really trying hard to make this film into a commentary on the savagery of human nature. Even if the filmmakers had given Watchmen a plot that didn't induce five confusing yawns a minute, even if they made the uber-bummer cataclysm make one fucking shred of sense, even if they had thought this thing out start-to-finish, even if they had made the best movie ever in the history of ever, it would all go for naught. Because there is a Big, Hulking, Blue, Crotch Mongoose in your face during 80% of the fucking movie!
If you found any of this vulgar, you might want to not see Watchmen - AKA Uncle Throbby and the Unmasked Members (UK alternate title).
More to come...
Welcome to No Horseshit Movies
Hello all! Thank you for choosing No Horseshit Movies. I know how it goes, you wake up one day with a general sense of excitement about seeing a new movie. Perhaps it is just new to you. You maybe want to rent it or catch it down at the $1.50 theatre, where the floor is like fly paper and the seats look like Jackson Pollack paintings (except the stains on the seats have a little more artistic merit). But I digress... So, you want to see (insert name of film here) and some yahoo on a popular search site or local news paper tells you it sucks ass through a straw.
This can be a bit disheartening. You wonder how something that looks so awesome from the previews can be getting so torn to shreds by the same guy who, twelve years ago, told you the showy epic Titanic was the greatest thing since indoor toilets. Ah, I can explain this in one simple word: out of touch.
A lot of these critics reviewed The Wizard of Oz when it came out in 1939. They probably liked it, and gave it favorable reviews. Shit, I might have given it a favorable review. But, of course, I didn't because my parents wouldn't be born until a number of years after its release. Point is, movies have changed a lot: what Gene Shallot's mummified corpse likes is not necessarily going to coincide with what, say, a internet-savvy 20-something is going to like.
[As a side note, I actually have nothing against Gene, he's like the great grandfather I never knew.]
So here is where we can all get a realistic view of what is good and bad about movies today. Will the latest $90 million action flick live up to the hype, or is Hollywood gonna drop a deuce the size of Spiderman 3 and smear it all over your eyeballs? Find out here. I am going to try to get reviews of some "now on DVD" stuff up ASAP to get the blog rolling. What good would a review blog be if it didn't have the "In theatres now" junk? So, we'll have plenty of that too. Maybe I'll even do The Wizard of Oz when I get a chance for the 11 of you who haven't seen it yet. One thing this blog will sorely be lacking, which can be found at other film review blogs and sites all over the net: horseshit!
Later,
This can be a bit disheartening. You wonder how something that looks so awesome from the previews can be getting so torn to shreds by the same guy who, twelve years ago, told you the showy epic Titanic was the greatest thing since indoor toilets. Ah, I can explain this in one simple word: out of touch.
A lot of these critics reviewed The Wizard of Oz when it came out in 1939. They probably liked it, and gave it favorable reviews. Shit, I might have given it a favorable review. But, of course, I didn't because my parents wouldn't be born until a number of years after its release. Point is, movies have changed a lot: what Gene Shallot's mummified corpse likes is not necessarily going to coincide with what, say, a internet-savvy 20-something is going to like.
[As a side note, I actually have nothing against Gene, he's like the great grandfather I never knew.]
So here is where we can all get a realistic view of what is good and bad about movies today. Will the latest $90 million action flick live up to the hype, or is Hollywood gonna drop a deuce the size of Spiderman 3 and smear it all over your eyeballs? Find out here. I am going to try to get reviews of some "now on DVD" stuff up ASAP to get the blog rolling. What good would a review blog be if it didn't have the "In theatres now" junk? So, we'll have plenty of that too. Maybe I'll even do The Wizard of Oz when I get a chance for the 11 of you who haven't seen it yet. One thing this blog will sorely be lacking, which can be found at other film review blogs and sites all over the net: horseshit!
Later,
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